Newborn Lucy, 2010
And in a way, that's what I wish for my Lucy, too. Beauty, silliness, and of course the mind of a genius. In my book, she's already there!
I feel like I spend an exuberant amount of time on this blog, and probably in life, talking about Imma. In a sense, it seems that I should spend the majority of my time on this blog talking about Imma because one of the main focuses is to help other people who have special needs children. And Lucy is what is referred to as, "typically developing." However, most people with special needs children also have other children who are special in completely different ways and I think it is important that we also discuss some of the things we need to consider when it comes to raising our "other" children.
We debated for a long time about whether or not to have a second child. I was 10 years old when my first sister was born--no brothers in between either, just an older brother--and I remember how elated I was to finally have a little girl to play with. Things were a little different than I had imagined since I was so much older but now I am very good friends with all three of my little sisters. (Yes, I now have 3 sisters. And I am very old!) I wanted Imma to have that, too, that indescribable bond that only sisters can have. So, when Imma was 2, we decided to have another baby and we were very happy to find out that the baby was a girl. Of course, we would have been happy with a boy if that's what we were given but I knew there was going to be something special about having two little girls.
Lucy at almost 8 months, March 2011
When you have a child that is born "normal" and then begins to develop special needs later on, you don't watch home videos the way that other parents do. Videos of Imma's first birthday party, trips to the zoo from when she was 14 months old, etc., become "footage." They are dissected. We analyze her gaze, her gait, her speech, her smile. Anything and everything that could possibly be a clue as to what went "wrong" is viewed and reviewed. The same can be true with children that are born after a child with special needs. From the moment Lucy took her first breath, she was watched more closely than a pot on the stove. We had to make sure that, if there was something that needed our attention, we caught it immediately.
We were very lucky with Lucy. She developed normally and continues to do so. She met all of her milestones on time or ahead of time. The only thing "different" about Lucy is that she is a little small for her age, though her head is in the 90%. But that's okay. There's nothing "wrong" with Lucy. In fact, Lucy is ahead in many ways. She speaks very well. She surprises me all the time with what she knows, like counting to 12 one day at Wal-Mart just before her second birthday. She's not particularly coordinated compared to her sister. She doesn't like to climb or run or jump like Imma. She likes to look at books and loves letters. She loves to color and sing songs. She loves to watch "Shortcake" and "Yeti," which is Lucy-speak for The Backyardigans. And she has the heart of a little girl who understands, even at 2 1/2 what it means to have a special sister.
Silly Lucy at 2, 2012
We have asked Lucy to do things that seem unfair. We have asked her to travel back and forth to therapies hundreds of times. We have asked her to sit in the waiting room for countless hours and play with the other "siblings". We have asked her to try to be sympathetic and understanding in situations where adults would have trouble understanding why they had to be so. We've asked her to leave public places in an untimely fashion when her sister just couldn't be there any more. We've asked her to put up with what may seem like ridiculous statements, like I'm not her mommy because I'm Imma's or only Imma can have french fries at the drive-through, because Imma perceives it to be so. We've asked her to wait her turn when it's been her turn. We've asked her to wait again when she's already waited. We've asked her to share when she shouldn't have to, or go without for a while so her sister can have two. We've asked her to be compassionate and understanding, patient and calm, kind and loving in situations where we, as logical adults, sometimes struggle with those emotions. Most importantly, we've asked her to be her sister's friend, no matter what, even when her sister is not being a friend to her.
Lucy in the waiting room at therapy
And, amazingly, for the most part, she does all of these things. Even through the "terrible twos" most of the time, Lucy is loving and patient and kind. She is calm and resourceful. She is smart and solves problems. She loves her sister. She is her sister's best-friend. Lucy will often give up whatever she has if Imma wants it because she wants her sister to be happy. It's almost like she understands that Imma isn't like everyone else. There are times when Imma is speaking or doing something odd that Lucy will look at me as if to ask, "What is she doing? Why is she saying that?" And then, with a shrug of the shoulders, she's off playing again, always wanting to do whatever big sister is doing. We've had a few moments already when we've looked at each other, smiled, and gone on about our business, just a little glance to say, "That's Imma!"
Lucy and Imma walking Barkley, May 2012
Lucy repeats Imma often. She emulates her. She walks like her, spins like her, sings the same songs, wants the same toys and books. Lucy worries us momentarily from time to time when she does something a-typical, but then we realize she is just mimicking Imma. It's very normal that she would want to be like her sister because all little sisters want to be like their big sisters from time to time. And sometimes Imma wants to be like Lucy, too, which is wonderful.
My gorgeous little model, December 2012
As Lucy continues to grow and change, I pray she keeps her amazing spirit. I worry about her because she has a lot of weight on those little shoulders. I hope to find a way to let her know that she is just as precious and important to me as Imma. Imma is my world, but Lucy is my sunshine. You can't live in a world without sunshine and I can't imagine what life would be like without Lucy. Of course having a second child has made life more hectic but in a lot of ways, it's made life more normal, too. We now know what we should have been seeing with Imma along the path of development. When I ask Lucy a question and she answers with a complex sentence in her little baby voice, I am amazed because I missed all of that the first time. It doesn't necessarily make her a conversational genius that she can tell me, "No, I don't want a hot dog. I want chicken nuggets," but it sure makes this mommy happy.
If you have an a-typical first child and you are debating whether or not to have another child, I highly suggest that you do. If your older child is autistic, there is a greater chance that your second child will be as well, but it isn't a certainty. In fact, there's still a better chance that the second child will not be autistic. We have recently learned that Imma is mostly likely not autistic so it turns out this would not have mattered with our second child, and no one knows enough about Imma's probable disability, sensory integration disorder, to know if it is genetic or not, to my knowledge. If we had not decided to have Lucy, I am quite certain my life would always be missing something. You may regret not having a second child but you will never regret it if you do.
I've never met anyone who didn't love Lucy, my Lucy, my sweet little Lucy Kate Annabella. Thank you for taking the time to get to know her a little better. She really is an amazing child. And that, I suppose, makes her a-typical after all.
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