Heartfelt Prayers for Families in Connecticut

I haven't left school yet. I felt like I needed to write this here. I was eating lunch when a colleague came in and asked if I had heard about what happened in Connecticut today. I hadn't but when she explained what had happened, I felt tears in my eyes and my stomach turned over. As a former kindergarten teacher, someone who works with kindergartners everyday, and the mother of a kindergartner, the horrific events that transpired this morning were almost unbearable. I cannot imagine what the families who lost loved ones today must be going through. My sincerest prayers for strength, courage, and healing are sent to them this evening as I hug my kindergartner a little tighter. As educators, we seldom ponder the possibilities of putting ourselves in harms way at work. But it happens much too frequently these days that teachers are called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice for their students. I actually started to type "children" instead of "students" because that's how most of us view them. These are my children, everyday from 7:15-3:45. They are my responsibility. If I was in a similar situation, I would hope that I would have the courage to protect these little people even if it meant sacrificing everything. God bless those teachers who did just that today. If you have children, hold them even more tonight. If you know an educator, send him or her a little message and let them know you appreciate what they do for our children. If you are a teacher yourself, as many of my friends and followers are, I thank you so much for giving of your hearts and souls each day to make our world a better place. We will never be able to understand what happened today but I hope that educators, parents, and law enforcement can work together to prevent it from ever happening again.

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Imma!

Today is this girl's 1/2 birthday! Yep, she's 5 1/2! Happy Birthday, pretty girl!

She really did not want me to take her picture!

Tummy Troubles and the "Yucky!"

The only way I can really know what happens with Imma at school is to be there, which, luckily for me, I usually am. However, the last two days I have been home sick. So, wen I picked her up today and she was wearing a too-small-shirt in a color I did not recognize I knew one of two things had happened: A) Daddy had made a very poor fashion choice or B) something terrible had happened at school. Normally I send a change of clothes with her in her backpack but I took them out when we went to Disney World last month and I have not replaced them yet. So, if something happened to her shirt, she would most likely have had to get a new one from the nurse. I always ask Imma questions as if she is fully capable of answering them, even though she usually isn't. So I asked her, "Why are you wearing a different shirt?" expecting silence or something that had nothing to do with the question. Instead she said, "Oh, ya, different shirt." This was progress! So I asked another question. "Did something happen to your shirt today at school?" "Oh, ya, at school. Yucky. Got a new one." I was pretty impressed so I asked another question. "Did something yucky happen to your shirt today?" "Yes, his tummy was ouchy and his tummy hurt. Then the yucky." I thought at this point I probably knew everything I needed to know but I asked her another question just to see if she would keep answering. "Did someone throw up on you?" "Oh, ya, and the yucky. Tummy hurt." Just for clarification, I asked, "You didn't throw up did you?" And back to silence. "Imma, did you throw up or a friend?" Nothing. "Immma, which one of your friends threw up?" Again, nothing. So I tried another approach. "Who gave you your shirt?" No answer. "Was it your teacher? Was it the nurse?" "Nurse one!" We have a winner! I posted this conversation for a few reasons. First of all, 6 months from now, I'd like to be able to look back at this and be amazed at how much progress she has made. I know that even a couple of months ago, she wouldn't have been able to tell me all of this. We couldn't even get her to tell us if she had played outside at recess. Now, she is basically able to tell me what happened, at least in a way that I can understand and ask some questions of my colleagues at work tomorrow to see if she was accurate. The other reason is because I know a lot of parents of special needs children who are just beginning and they think their child is never going to be able to convey this kind of message to them. I know because I've been there. Imma was almosty 3 before we got very far beyond grunting and pointing. You, too, will be amazed at where you will be 6 months down the road if you just continue to walk. By the way, her shirt was in her backpack in a plastic bag. And it was very yucky.

Continuing the Journey

A lot has changed since the last time I posted. But, then, a lot of things have stayed the same. We are in a new town, both Brian and I have different jobs. Imma is in kindergarten. Lucy is a silly little diva--no, that's not new--that's the same. We are further down the road towards the journey toward "normalcy" whatever that means, but it's like following a map in another language, towards a place you don't believe in, and you don't even know where you left from. But that's okay. And this blog will now be dedicated to helping other parents understand that it is okay to be lost and scared and unsure, and sad, and angry. All of those things are okay! What's not okay is giving up, or giving in. I hope to be able to provide some resources and sentiment to other parents that are on the same road somewhere back where I came from. This blog will still be about my silly little girls, but I hope it will also be more than that. The most significant event of this last year is certainly the passing of my father. Nothing prepares you for that. Never. No matter how old you are or your parent is, no matter if they were sick for a long time, a short time, not at all, no one is prepared for that. In the seven months since I got that horrendous phone call, I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of reminising, and a lot of avoiding both of those things. When you no longer have a parent, you realize how important parents are and it becomes even more pressing to make sure that you are doing all you can to provide for your child. With that, for me, has come opportunity. God has given me many opportunities recently to share the story of our journey with other struggling parents. I've always felt that God would not have trusted me with Imma if He didn't know I was capable of handling all the struggles that came along with her. I now believe he has also entrusted a legacy within our family, a calling to help others in a similar situation. It was actually through another recent endeavor of mine that this all became clear to me. I recently opened an on-line boutique and through that site I met a woman who lives in North Carolina. At first, our transaction was much like all of the others. There was no reason for me or for her to mention to much about our families. But then, after many emails and texts about why Black Friday was slowing the site down to a crawl, she finally picked up the phone and called me. As we were talking about the purchase she was attempting to make, she mentioned her daugher is a child with special needs. I could hear the tension over the subject in her voice so I said, "So is mine." She was taken aback. She asked me about the nature of Imma's disability and, as always, I wasn't quite sure what to say since she technically doesn't have a "label." I explained she has a speech delay and that it's been suspected that she might be autistic or have a sensory integration disorder. This was the beginning of a very poignant conversation between myself and another mother who really needed someone to assure her that, though the journey is unbelievably difficult, hope is always right ahead of us. The more I spoke to her, the more I remembered what it's like those first few months and years, when you alternate between feeling hopless and hopeful, angry and sad, denial and acceptance. The only true emotion that really stays with a parent in that situation, in my experience, is grief. Grief for the child that was lost. This is an extgremely difficult concept to understand and even more difficult to embrace, but it is essential to healing. We don't grieve out of inacceptance of the beautiful, amazing child we were given, but we still must grieve for the idea of the child we thought we would have. I didn't cry because I didn't love the Imma I have. I cried because the child I had always imagined was gone. But the beauty of His perfect plan is that this child, the one I have, is so much better than the one I thought I wanted. She is remarkable in ways I could have never imagined. She has taught me more about how the world works and how to look at things differently in five years than one can imagine. But this Imma is also complicated and difficult. She's frustrating and enigmatic. The Imma in my mind was always sweet and uncomplicated. She could speak and understand. That Imma would have been a piece of cake compared to this child next to me. But I wouldn't be the person I am today either. I would still be very niave about many things that she has opened my eyes to. I wouldn't trade my Imma for any other child in the world but it's still okay for me, as her mother, to be sad and angry and confused, as long as we keep plodding along. My new friend is in the process of reaching this understanding. Like all things, it takes time and research, and discussion. But mostly time. And she is not the only one. There are thoushands of parents struggling with the same issues. They are looking for reassurance, direction, resources, support. I believe it is my job to help those parents. I plan to do that through this blog and through whatever other doors God opens for me. And you can help. If you've read this far, clearly you have an interest in this topic as well. I'm looking for other people who want to share their stories, who have resources others can use. I'm looking for people with questions and people who need someone to talk to. If you can help in any of these areas, please leave a comment, send me an email, let me know. I certainly don't have all of the answers but I do know that if we put all of resources and collective thinking together, we will be able to help a lot of people's journey a little bit easier. Thank you for taking the time to read this enormous post! More to come, hopefully in smaller chunks! Happy Sunday!

Checking in

We are still in the process of selling our house, though we have closed on the new one. Anyone want to buy a house in McKinney?
Lucy is crawling everywhere! She is unstoppable. A few minutes ago she grabbed the remote, changed the channel to Family Guy (she loves Stewie) and then sat there laughing at the tv.
Imma is doing so much better! She will even answer the question, "What's your name?" We have a meeting with a member of the autism evaluation team on Thursday. I'm pretty sure she is going to tell us she is autistic, but now I am thinking she may just be hyperlexic, which means she could grow out of these symptoms of autism.
It is taking forever to get our new house finished! Ever since we closed, work has stopped!
Imma's birthday party is scheduled for 6/11 at the new house. Somehow we've got to get them to finish it before then!

Moving!

We are moving! It has all happened like a whirlwind but we found a house we love in Nevada, Texas. It is on 2.5 acres with two ponds and views of Lake Lavon. Imma calls it the "Duck House." We should be closing soon.

L M N O Q

Hi! I'm back! I know I haven't posted in forever. I've been pretty busy with a new baby and with Imma starting school. And my laptop has been very uncooperative. But I had to share how Imma is doing in school.
Imma started her intensive pre-school program a few weeks ago. Since then, I have noticed some major gains. She still has a lot of difficulty with communication but these are some of the things she has improved with:
1) The alphabet. She sings the alphabet song now and gets most of the letters right. She has been playing a lot of alphabet apps on my Iphone, too, which is also helping. I got her an alphabet puzzle for Christmas last year where you have to put the pieces in alphabetical order and it makes a long train across the floor. She can do it almost perfectly by herself but sometimes she insists on skipping P. She also recognizes a ton of letters when she sees them independently, which is better than a lot of my kindergartners could do at the beginning of the year. And she is picking up some letter sounds, too.
2) Counting. She can count to nine now without saying, " E, go, by" which used to be "three, four, five." She seems to have one-to-one correspondence, too, which is pretty advanced.
3) Shapes. She really recognizes circle now and star. She used to completely ignore me when I talked about shapes so that is really cool.
So, she seems to be learning a lot and I am really happy with her academic progress. However, the last three days she has bitten another child at one of her two pre-schools so we have been working on how to be nice to our friends!

Lucy is growing like a weed. She had her two month check-up on Monday and she weighs 11.4 lbs. and is 25 1/2 inches long. Both of these numbers are near the 50%. She got really upset Monday afternoon and screamed for about an hour. I knew something was wrong because my baby only cries when she is hungry or wants picked up. I gave her some Tylenol and she finally settled down but that was not pleasant at all. She still has the coolest hair ever.

I also got to go see my friend Alyson's twin boys today. They are very tiny but sooo cute. I was so happy to finally get to meet Jack and Will. I've been praying for these babies for a long time and it is such a miracle that they are finally here and that they are doing so well though they were 11 weeks early. It is awesome to see Alyson with them, she is such a great mom already. I know my girls will get to be very good friends with the Steiner Boys!

Hopefully I will do a better job of keeping this updated so my girls have a good record of what was going on in their lives, since that is the major purpose of this blog. And, of course, to let friends and family know what is going on. I'm lucky if I get twenty minutes during the day between feedings though because Lucy is a very demanding little girl! Still, I will try to do better!